What is the Day of the Lord and the Night of the Lord in the Work
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Bold and in quotes: Original text of Baal HaSulam
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Regular: Commentaries of Rav Laitman
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Capitalized italics: transliteration from Hebrew
"Our sages said this about the verse: “Woe unto you that desire the day of the Lord! Wherefore would ye have the day of the Lord? It is darkness, and not light” (Amos 5): “A parable about a rooster and a bat that were awaiting the light. The rooster said to the bat: ‘I await the light for the light is mine; but you, what need have you for light?’ (Sanhedrin 98)”. The interpretation is that since the bat has no eyes to see, what does it gain from the sunlight? On the contrary, for one who has no eyes, the sunlight only darkens more."
Why? Then he feels or understands that he doesn’t see, somehow understands that there is light, but it is impossible to see.
"We must understand that parable, meaning how the eyes are connected to looking in the Light of God, which the text names “the day of the Lord”. They gave a parable in that regard about a bat, that one with no eyes remains in the dark.
We must also understand what is the day of the Lord and what is the night of the Lord, and the difference between them. We discern the day of people by the sunrise, but with the day of the Lord, in what do we discern it?
The answer is, as the appearance of the sun. In other words, when the sun shines on the ground we call it day, and when the sun does not shine, it is called dark. It is the same with the Creator. A day is called revelation and darkness is called concealment of the face.
This means that when there is revelation of the face, when it is as clear as daylight for a person, this is called “day.” It is as our sages said (Psachim 1) about the verse, “The murderer riseth with the light, to kill the poor and needy, and in the night he is as a thief.” Since he said, “and in the night he is as a thief” it follows that light is day. He says there, that if the matter is as clear to you as light that comes over the souls, he is a murderer, and it is possible to save his soul. Thus we see that regarding day, the Gmarah says that it is a matter as clear as daylight.
It follows that the day of the Lord will mean providence, how the Creator leads the world will be clearly in the form of benevolence. For example, when one prays, his prayer is immediately answered and he receives what he has prayed for; one succeeds wherever one turns. This is called “the day of the Lord”.
Why? If the governance of the Creator is “Good and Benevolent”, then for everything that I do in similarity to Him, I receive a good response in return.
"Conversely, darkness, which is night, will mean concealment of the face, which brings one doubts in the benevolent guidance and alien thoughts."
When does a person get doubts and alien thoughts? They appear in the case when he does something good, but in answer receives something bad. If I perform evil, and in answer receive evil, then this is completely normal, it’s clear to me that this is how it’s supposed to be. But if I perform evil, and in answer receive something good, or do good and receive evil, then that’s a problem. This is already confusing and not revealing the Face of the Creator.
Darkness, it’s not a bad or good sensation, darkness is the confusion of Providence. Providence can be bad in relation to me, but correspond to my actions, and then, maybe, this will be called day. Right?
This means that neither good nor bad states are called darkness, night, or day, light, but whether the Providence is clear to me or unclear.
"This is called darkness and night. It means that one feels a state where he feels that the world has turned dark on him."
A person can’t match his actions with what he gets as the result. He believes that the Creator exists, guides, that the Creator somehow responds to each of his actions, but sees that there seems to be some sort of confusion, doesn’t understand the responses and all that is happening to him. Such a state is called night.
This is a very unordinary state, but very respectable to know that there is a Creator, to understand that if I do something good or bad, then corresponding to that I receive a reaction in answer, good or bad. Then, if the reactions in answer correspond to my good or bad actions, this is called day. If the reactions in answer don’t correspond to my actions, I am confused, then such a state is called night.
Night is a high state. In any case, it is a unique state of a person in relation to the Creator.
"Now we can interpret what is written, “Woe unto you that desire the day of the Lord! Wherefore would ye have the day of the Lord? It is darkness, and not light.” The thing is that those who await the day of the Lord, it means that they wait to impart faith above reason, that faith will be as strong as if they see with their eyes, with certain knowledge that it is so, meaning that the Creator guides the world in benevolence."
What I do and what the Creator does doesn’t matter, in any case, He is “Good and Benevolent." We can see that only through the eyes of faith. What does “the eyes of faith” mean? There is a special correction when a person attains that he no longer weighs good and evil, doesn’t weigh them in his will to receive, but evaluate them only in bestowal. But in bestowal the Creator is always “Good and Benevolent”, and can’t be evil.
"In other words, they dot not want to see how the Creator leads the world in benevolence. This is because seeing corresponds to faith. In other words, faith is precisely where it is against the reason; this is called faith above reason".
How can we determine faith above reason, and in what states? This is possible in states when what we experience is completely unwarranted by our mind, when I work and don’t receive a reward, when I do good and it is unknown if I enter problems and troubles as a result of this or not. I cannot justify Providence.
It is in these states that a person can determine his ascent, rise above his desires. In them he can acquire the Kli of faith. This Kli is against the mind, against the sensation, completely independent of a human nature. The Kli of faith is a gift from above, it is created in a person by the Upper Light, so called light that Reforms, gives a person an ability to become higher then sensation, reason, and exist in the Kli of bestowal, the Kli of faith. "Above reason" means above one's mind and heart.
"It means that they believe that the guidance of the Creator over the creatures is benevolent. What they do not see with clear knowledge, they do not say to the Creator, “We want to see the benevolence as seeing within reason.” in order to change their sensation or relate to them with kindness.
That is, the request of a person can come from two sides: either he thinks that the Creator treats him poorly now, and asks Him to change His attitude, or thinks that the Creator always treats him well, and he, the person, senses His attitude as bad, because his Kelim are uncorrected, and then he asks for a correction so that he would feel the good attitude of the Creator.
They do not want to feel good. "Rather, they want it to remain in them as faith above reason."
This means that it is important for me what I feel inside my Kelim. If I feel bad inside them right now, then I have to rise from within this state above my bad sensation. On the contrary: if I feel bad in my Kelim, but receive faith above reason above this sensation, above my Kli (the reason is called my Kli), if I transcend and feel the guidance of “Good and Benevolent,” this is a sign that I have acquired the Kli of faith above reason on top of my bad feeling. We ask just that, and the sensation can remain. The minute I have the Kli of faith above reason, I stop feeling that bad sensation.
This is what a person asks for, faith above reason. "Instead, they ask of the Creator to impart them strength that this faith will be so strong, as if they see it within reason. A person has to raise this Kli above reason. It means that there will no difference between faith and knowledge in the mind."
The bad that a person felt before, now in the Kli above it, he can feel as good to the extent that there isn’t any difference between what one feels now in the Kli of faith as good and what one felt before as good in the Kli of knowledge. A person prefers the Kli of faith because this is the Kli of the Creator. It corresponds to Him, it is unlimited in its bestowal upon the Creator.
"This is what they, meaning those who want to cleave to the Creator, refer to as the day of the Lord."
When do we build the “day of the Lord”? We form it in the state of darkness, confusion, and torments when we do not understand Providence. Yet, instead of asking the Creator to make this disappear, we ask Him to give us powers to build the Kli of faith above this state. And when this Kli is formed on top of bad sensations and we feel light within it, then this light is called “day”.
"In other words, if they feel it as knowledge, then the Light of God, called “The Upper Abundance”, will go to the vessels of reception, called “Separated Vessels”. They do not want it to go to the will to receive, which is the opposite of Kedusha (lit. Sanctity), which is in turn, against the will to receive for self-gratification. Instead, they want to be adhesive with the Creator, and this can only be through equivalence of form." Only by acquiring the Kli of faith, bestowal.
"However, in order to reach that, [for a person to build this Kli above his emotions and understandings, which contradict that the Creator is “Good and Benevolent”], meaning in order for one to have a desire and a craving to cleave to the Creator, since one is born with a nature of a will to receive only for self-gratification, [only for personal gain,] how is it possible to reach something that is completely against nature?" If a person completely immersed in his nature, does he have a chance to somehow transcend this nature, to exit it, to see it, to watch himself from the side and from the side to identify certain actions for himself, in thought, in desire to become independent of his nature? "For this reason one must exert great labor until he acquires a second nature, which is the will to bestow.
When one is imparted, he is qualified to receive the Upper Abundance and not blemish, since all the flaws come only through the will to receive for oneself…" which is opposite to abundance, and then abundance disappears.
"In other words, even when doing something in order to bestow, deep inside there is a thought that he will receive something for this act of bestowal that he is now performing. Yet, in the act of bestowal, there is still the intention to eventually receive some gain for oneself.
In a word, one is unable to do anything if he does not receive something for the act. One must enjoy, and any pleasure that one receives for oneself, that pleasure must cause him separation from the life of lives, by reason of the separation. It stops one from being adhesive with the Creator."
As much as we want to abstain from the will to receive in our nature, to not perform any calculations, not receive anything in the end of the actions, and with a thousand tricks and cautions not want anything for the self, pushing everything in this way, so that this action would be performed not for the self, this won’t help.
If I am inside my nature, then there has to be some desire for the self, some substitute, compensation, reward, otherwise I cannot move, think, perform any inner or outer movement in thought and in desire for the act of bestowal. It seems that at the end of an action to give I have personal gain. This means being within nature.
"Since the matter of Dvekut (lit. Adhesion) is measured by equivalence of form, it is thus impossible to have pure bestowal without a mixture of reception from one’s own powers."
What do we do? If I’m good for nothing, feel bad, feel the Сreator as evil, Providence is not being kind. If I am desperate and confused with what happens with me, I am now in good conditions to do the act of bestowal, to rise above this feeling, to build the act of bestowal, and then reach the state of elevation and adhesion.
I try to exert some effort to perform these actions. And then I find that in essence, there is a certain pleasure in this. I planned this action, did it, acted it out, and received for myself. In that way I didn’t build a Kli above reason, didn’t exit my nature. And slowly with the help of such experiences, a person feels that he is unable to exit his nature.
It seems obvious to us at first that we can’t exit our nature. A person exists inside it, as a worm in the radish, like in the example of Baal HaSulam. Then how can he see something outside it? Where does he get the powers to act, think, and desire to rise above nature? He doesn’t know what it means to exist outside nature. He doesn’t even know what his nature is because he can’t compare it to anything else.
A person cannot have the powers to bestow, even the slightest power, because there cannot be a small power of bestowal along with the power of reception. Rather, the smallest force of bestowal can be only if one restricts his force of reception and builds the force of bestowal above it. These two forces cannot jointly exist in a person, “he and I cannot live together in the same compartment.”
In the nature of a person, there can’t be, let’s say, 99% reception and 1% bestowal. This is impossible! If a person thinks that this is so, then he is mistaken. In fact, there is 100% reception in him. Two opposite forces can’t exist within one nature, for it to have some force of bestowal, oriented outwardly, and for the rest of the forces oriented inwardly. This is called “he and I can’t live together in the same compartment.”
But if a person performs the so called First Restriction on all the desires inside his nature, restricts himself, doesn’t want to use these desires, and even when wanting to use them, stops himself, then, perhaps he can receive (not knowing from where) the force to bestow, something that is completely nonexistent in his nature.
We can somehow imagine that a person is capable of performing the First Restriction. He receives force from above, begins to feel the greatness of the Creator and his oppositeness to it, doesn’t desire to remain in his qualities, similar to how a guest, sitting across from the Host stops eating in shame, tells the Host that he isn’t able to, doesn’t want to, shames himself, asks for the pleasure to be taken away, doesn’t desire to receive it, that is, refuses reception, closes himself to pleasure.
Let’s say that there is the force for this in the will to receive because shame is a much stronger sensation, capable of annulling all pleasure. Because it hurts one’s self and the self is “existence from absence”, created from absence, our rudiment. A person is ready to die so as to no longer feel the shame.
We talk of a special sensation of shame, and not simply of a person somehow shielding oneself, let’s say, telling himself, “Everyone acts this way, it’s not so bad.” No! The original sensation of shame is impossible to bear. That’s why the Kli performed a restriction in Olam Ein Sof(World of Infinity).
But outside the restriction, how is it possible to receive the tiny force above reason to perform the act of bestowal? This is completely inconceivable. This is second nature, which we can’t understand.
"Therefore, it is second nature that we need in order for one to have the powers of bestowal. Thus, one will have the strength to reach equivalence of form.
In other words, the Creator is the giver and does not receive anything, for He lacks nothing. This means that what He gives is not because of a want, meaning…"
We say: “The Creator wants to delight His creatures and that’s why He gives. His desire to bestow obliges Him to bestow.” We say that because we don’t understand how a desire can not come from some lack…
"…that if He had no one to give, He would feel it as a want.
Instead, we must perceive it as a game. What is a “game”? It means that it is not that when He wants to administer, it is something that He needs, [that this is serious, that He has to give,] but this is all like a game. It is as our sages said regarding the mistress: She asked, “What does the Creator do after He has created the world?” The answer was: “He sits and plays with a whale,” as it is written, “There go the ships of the sea, and Leviathan (the sea monster), which You have formed to sport in it.”
The matter of the Leviathan refers to Dvekut and connection (as it is written, “according to the space of each, with wreaths”). It means that the purpose, which is the connection of the Creator with the creatures, is only in sport..."
The game is not obligating, however, it is not that the Creator is not serious about it. Using our terms, we can deviate; go off on various interpretations too much. By ‘game’ it is understood that this action doesn’t come out of lack that compels a person or the Creator to do anything. Rather, it comes as a good addition.
"… it is not a matter of a desire and a need.
The difference between a game and a desire is that everything that comes in the desire is a necessity. If one does not obtain one’s wish, one is in deficit. However, in sport, even if one does not obtain the thing, it is not considered a lack, as they say, “it is not so bad that I did not obtain what I thought, because it is not so important.” This is so because the desire that one had for it was only playful, not serious.
It follows, that the whole purpose is that one’s work will be entirely in bestowal, and he will not have a desire and craving to receive pleasure for his work. This is a high degree, as it is implemented in the Creator, and this is called “the day of the Lord.” And this is really absolute bestowal. And if the creation reaches such a state, then it will be called “the day of the Lord”.
"The day of the Lord is considered wholeness, as it is written, “Let the stars of the morning thereof be dark; let it look for light, but have none.” Light is considered wholeness.
When one acquires the second nature, meaning the will to bestow what the Creator gives one after the first nature, which is the will to receive, now one acquires the will to bestow."
In a person, there can’t be both the will to receive and the will to bestow simultaneously. A person has to make a decision, regret, ask the Creator, and then acquire the second nature.
"At that time one is qualified to serve the Creator in completeness, and this is considered “the day of the Lord.”
Thus, one who has not acquired the second nature and can serve the Creator in a form of bestowal, and waits to be awarded bestowal, meaning when one has already exerted and did what he could do to obtain that force..."
If a person has given everything, as much as he could, all the way, and saw that “there is no cure” in order to exit his will to receive, then his state is defined as “awaiting the day of the Lord”. Of this, a rooster said to a bat: “Do you await such a state when you’ve done and finished everything you could to reach bestowal, and now you have nothing left, but to cry to the Creator, “Give me the second nature!”?” And then He gives it.
"He is considered to be awaiting the day of the Lord, meaning to have equivalence of form with the Creator.
When the day of the Lord comes…"
What does “the day of the Lord” mean? A person is given the Kelim of bestowal so that he could give and not think of himself, but rather of the whole world. And this is redemption for him, joy, day, life – this is what he wanted.
"…he is elated, he is happy that he has come out of the power of the will to receive for himself…", he does not have to think of himself. This doesn’t mean that he feels good not thinking of himself, because then he works for the good feeling.
"…that separated him from the Creator. Now one cleaves to the Creator, and considers it as having risen to the top, to the summit."
Why? Now he starts to care for other creatures. This doesn’t mean that these cares for others are different then his cares for oneself. Before, thinking of himself, he cared only for himself. Now he cares for everybody. And these cares for everyone are not some distraction from which one can take a break and relax, thinking of himself constantly and just sometimes of others, as we can imagine right now. No! Cares for others are much greater than if a person thought and cared for himself.
Then why is such a state called "day"? How is it good for a person? It is good in that he is like the Creator, only from that! And this is called second nature.
"However, it is the opposite with one whose work is only in self-reception. One is happy as long as one thinks that he will have any reward from his work. Such is the state of the bat. When one sees that the will to receive will not receive any reward for its work, one becomes sad and idle. Sometimes one comes to reflect about the beginning, and says, “I did not swear on this.”"
“I’ve been studying for ten years and I have nothing! What’s happening?! What kind of way is this?! I thought that I’d reach this world and the Upper, would receive pleasure, as it says “Live in them and will not die in them!”, “the Creator created everything to delight His creatures”, we have to enjoy, and the purpose of creation is eternal pleasure. Where is all this”?!
"Thus, moreover, the day of the Lord is attaining the power to bestow. If one were to be told that this will be his profit from engaging in Torah and Mitzvot[that he will reach pure bestowal and start caring for all humanity the same way, as he cared about himself], one will say, “I consider it darkness, not light” since this knowledge brings one to darkness."
And only people who correctly understand the method of Baal HaSulam, slowly come to a state, when they see a tiny crack, really, a very narrow passage that brings them to being able to ask, even in something, for the second nature, meaning, to restrict their personal desires and be immersed in the desires of others.
Then a person will live in this second nature and experience happiness because in that way one is like the Creator.
Question: What is the relationship between receiving faith above reason and connection among the friends?
If not for the work in the group, it would be impossible to discern what it means “to receive” and what it means “to bestow.” In the conference dedicated to the 50th anniversary of the day of Baal HaSulam’s death, I was asked what the genuine Kabbalah is, who is considered a genuine Kabbalist. I answered the same way, that in Kabbalah it is said that a Kabbalist is a person with corresponding goal.
Who is called “Israel”? One who aims for the Creator is even now called “Israel.” That is how Rabash and Baal HaSulam interpret it. That’s why a Kabbalist is he who wants to be a Kabbalist, that is, he is on the way. One should also clarify what “to go by the right way” means – I did not have a chance to explain this during the conference...
What does it mean to be a Kabbalist? The true desire to reach the root appears in a person. Some people come and go, either because they have other desires, or because they had another idea of Kabbalah and afterwards found out that Kabbalah is something else, something different from what they thought in the beginning.
But there also come people who have no choice because the point in the heart already appeared within them and they have to put it back where it belongs – to its root. Such people unite together and begin working among themselves because only by working among themselves can they define themselves in relation to the goal, which they don’t see.
Now, we exist inside a certain sphere, closed place, and we have to aim ourselves for outside the place, towards some distant star. How can this be done and very accurately?
Kabbalists say that if you engage in love for each other, that is, (what is called love?) each thinks of others and not of himself, then your internal inclination will be aimed exactly at that star, at that goal – the Creator. And you don’t need to see the Creator, this star, which is shining at you or is not.
Start building these relationships with some groups of people around you right now, within your nature. The Creator will arrange it so that there will be friends around you, also aiming to find the right direction. And then, existing in a state in which you don’t see this direction, you build within that sphere, in that closed compartment, proper relationships, direct yourself to the goal. You have all the conditions to correctly direct yourself.
Whereas if you could see the Creator as your goal and aim
yourselves at Him, you would do it in order to receive, because you would find pleasure in Him, how He gives and shines, in His eternity and perfection. Your will to receive will surely promote you to the Creator, and this is called a Klipa (shell).
And now, if you aim yourself to the goal, then this wouldn’t be from the side of the Klipa, because you see no profit. So can we aim ourselves at something without seeing any gain? Kabbalists say that a person has to try. “It’s not in your power to finish the work”, but you can’t free yourself from it.
And as a result of your work with friends, when they work in relation to you, and you in relation to them, in order to build this relationship as if you are not in this sphere but outside it, you build the relationship of the world of Atzilut in this sphere.
Everything is very simple. As a result of your effort you obtain various inner observations, insights of whether or not you are capable of such work, why it is that you aren’t capable, and then through the work itself you begin a scrutiny between the point in the heart and the heart.
You start feeling all kinds of organs in it, interconnections and what goes on there. You don’t simply understand that this is the will to receive; although before you didn’t know even that. Now you see that this is ego, that it wants one thing or another. And as a point in the heart gradually becomes clearer, you likewise begin to understand what bestowal is (to some extent), that such a quality can be. And then, out of this attempt, you come to the cry to the Creator, like the rooster, crying that you want the day of the Lord.
This means that we cry to unquestionably receive the second nature. But you have to try to build the second nature between you and your friends as if you do it by 100%, and only at the very end of the work, your will to receive, nevertheless, doesn’t let you to build it. But you are 99% finished with this work. And at the end you always find that you didn’t do it for the sake of bestowal.
You reveal your inability to escape your own nature, but your every effort, the relationship that you built are still built as bestowal. And only that what doesn’t depend on you—your substance – remains as reception. However, this element is very, very small at the very end of your work. You feel that you can’t get rid of it, and then pray to separate all your system of bestowal built in relation to friends, from this tiny element of your ego, you ask to cut yourself off from it. And then you receive another rudiment.
Such is the state called “Awaiting the day of the Lord.”
Question: Why does it take years to understand what reciprocal work means?
The question of how long it takes to build such a system of relationship between friends, in which each gives to the other, without thinking of himself and so on is a question of inner relationships that one builds within himself, then examines, thinks about them, analyzes them, and again falls, and rebuilds, and mingles with his friends – in his sensation.
It might occur over the course of a second, when he sees friends, feels them, and again this sensation disappears. You don't have to be next to them for hours. You might almost not be next to them, and meet them perhaps just a few times a week. This is not measured in hours.
The inner work must be constant, perpetual, but the contact with friends can be just occasional. It is enough to meet two or three times a week. More is unnecessary. And undoubtedly, it is enough to discuss this together once a week, at most. Besides that, you study together every day for many hours, read articles over the phone at noon, in the evening you listen or watch something, read another article before you go to bed, in the morning there is preparation for the lesson. This is even too much.
All work takes place inside the person. The system of relationships with friends exists inside you. You work in your inner model of system. Do you actually give something to a friend? Do you give this one pencils, another one – coffee, the third one – crackers?! No. This is your inner system: you, your friend, and the Creator – everything is inside you. A person is a small world, everything is within.
Question: What does this inner work entail?
This inner work is my constant scrutiny between me, the Creator, and the group, in which there shouldn’t be a difference between the group and the Creator – I have to aim at both equally. Then, I certainly (let’s say, certainly) transcend above my ego.
All of this is detestable to us, especially at the beginning of the path. No one wants to hear of it, cannot stand it, this seems to be very, very repulsive. But gradually, to the extent of the efforts put forward (but from within these efforts themselves) we receive luminescence from above that expands the point in the heart into some greater dimension. Then inside this point that has grown we already start feeling its organs, modes of bestowal.
This becomes a sort of life, life inside this point. You see that there is the whole world, but inside me, I have my own life. It is no longer just a point that I hardly have any idea about and just feel bad and restless. From this inflated point in me there forms some sphere, bubble inside which I can live, and it is already much easier for me. And then, inside a person there are two worlds: this world and the spiritual world. Seemingly, this point serves as a model of the spiritual world.
Question: Why does a person, feeling bad and desiring to rise above this state, ask for the Kli of faith? Why doesn’t he ask for Dvekut (adhesion) with the Creator, the highest state?
The Kli of faith and Dvekut is actually the same. We can say that it is true for the states we study. Why does a person ask one thing and not another? One can’t order himself, what it is he has to ask. His request comes from desire, accumulating in his heart.
In the process of our work, a new desire forms in each of us, the next degree, more and more with each time.
Question: Baal HaSulam writes, “when one has already exerted and did what he could do to obtain that force, he is considered to be awaiting the day of the Lord, meaning to have equivalence of form with the Creator”. Why is there stretching of time? If a person already exerted and did everything what he could, why doesn’t he get an answer? Why does he have to wait after he has completed all the efforts and actions?
After a person has exerted and was certain that he would reach the goal on his own, “If not I for me, then who is for me”?, as though the Creator doesn’t determine anything and everything really up to the person, that is, up to his own efforts, he comes to a state of absolute disappointment in his own power, as Baal HaSulam writes in “Letters”: “..and there is no cure.” And then a person can put a true prayer to the Creator, for Him to save him and give him “Lishma”, the ability to work for the sake of bestowal.
But until a person hasn’t reached such a state, he is incapable of true prayer. Because, as Baal HaSulam writes, the SitraAchra says to him, “Work some more, everything will be all right, you will reach everything by yourself”. It’s as though there are two forces in a person working in both directions, from the side of his ego and from the side of the Light shining on him. This is “help against him.” But the real prayer comes suddenly. “And their children of Israel sighted by reason of the bondage.” They cried, and then were saved.
Redemption comes in haste, you don’t know in advance. Knowing of it is completely impossible because when the measure has been completed – it is over. But if it’s not over, you exist in 100% will to receive. When it ends, you immediately exit it and find yourself in bestowal. There is no transition here, when you gradually get used to it, with one leg here, another – there. No!
Question: What does "awaiting the day of the Lord" mean? Is it similar to awaiting reward?
No. “Awaiting the day of the Lord” means that I desire to reach bestowal, to rise above my nature.