Q: You say that the most important thing is to attain the screen. I try to attain it day and night. I’ve become indifferent to the pain, but still I suffer.
A: Let me relate first to the screen that you’re “growing” on your own. The screen is born and develops in us without any intent on our part, because we don’t know what it is. All the new things that appear in us are solely the direct result of our studies. We cannot know what should appear in us the next minute. It will always be something new and unfamiliar, so how can we know about it in advance? How can we anticipate it?
“New” means something from a higher degree than my current one. Therefore a screen cannot be cultivated intentionally.
Your lack of joy from your environment is a temporary state. Keep studying and your alienation from society will soon be replaced by the opposite situation: you’ll feel that there are more pleasures around you than you ever felt before. Then, you’ll discover within you a greater will to receive than before, and it will happen in order to give you something to correct.
My advice to you is to read a lot, and only the material that I suggest you read, those parts that your heart desires. Divide the study between the Preface to the Wisdom of Kabbalah (with the drawings), and articles and letters. Do not prefer one study to the other.
In the morning, before work, study the Preface to the Wisdom of Kabbalah for an hour. Before you go to bed, read the letters and articles that speak of internal work.
Your moods will change many times along the way. It is a natural thing and it shows you’re making progress. You have a lot of feeling ahead of you, but you are making an encouraging start. The articles you’ll read will show you that your feelings and thoughts are typical of one who is making progress.